It’s hard to believe I made it through a full 112 episodes of Virtual Happy Hour before recreating the national drink of Peru: the Pisco Sour. I was surprised at the overwhelmingly positive response when I posted the recipe – apparently more people have traveled to Peru than I imagined.
I guess that explains why everyone is posed in a power squat in front of Machu Picchu in their dating profile pics though.
If dating profiles are anything to go by, more people have visited Joe Exotic’s Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park or equivalent than I would guessed. Just so. many. dudes. in wrap-around sunglasses draped over a tiger.
I’m seriously considering starting a consultancy or reality TV show called “What Not to Post” where I pull the old Clinton and Stacy routine, put dating profiles under the microscope (or the 360-degree mirror) and offer my hot takes on what must go.
From what I’ve seen, most single men in Ottawa would need a near total overhaul – couldn’t even be scrapped for parts. Some of the most common mistakes I’ve come across include, but are not limited to:
- wearing sunglasses in every single photo. Do you have eyes? If so, what colour are they? Are they encroaching on the bridge of your nose or the edge of your hairline? Tell me more.
- holding a fish. The size of the fish has no correlation to the size of your member, step away from the fish.
- taking a car selfie or populating your profile with an assortment of car selfies. These photographic masterpieces are often shot from the hip, literally, giving us full view of the interior life of your nostrils. Also, not a great angle if you’d like to have only one chin.
- doing your best Blue Steel, in every photo. Scowling or furrowing your brow at the camera doesn’t give you the air of mystery you were going for; it is giving you some deep-set 11s though and making you look vaguely confused.
Other key considerations, because I’m feeling charitable:
- consider wearing clothes that fit or were purchased in this century. That solid purple poly-blend Le Château dress shirt you wore to prom in 1999 with a contrasting silver tie would be better-suited to your millennium time capsule than your dating profile.
- show some teeth. Similar to the sunglasses query, an unsmiling expression leaves a lot to be desired – let’s not be shy about putting proof points of our oral hygiene and orthodontics on full display.
- avoid Etch-a-Sketch massacres. If the only good picture of you is arm-in-arm with a former flame, who’s face you have to violently scribbled over in red, consider getting some new photos.
- leave the frat pics in your forgotten Facebook albums. Six pictures of you and “da boyz” – which one are you? I’m going to guess not the best-looking one.
- do not, for the love of God, list your job as “have one” or “employed at good job” in your career information. “Entrepreneur” is also incredibly questionable; best case scenario: I’m going to assume you sell Arbonne out of your trunk.
If you’ve enjoyed this Free Trial of “What Not To Post” contact me for custom packages to step up your game and land more dates.
The national drink of Peru is a crowd-pleasing citrusy concoction.
- 2 oz Pisco
- ½ oz lemon juice
- ½ oz lime juice
- ¾ oz simple syrup
- 1 egg white
- 5 dashes Angostura (or other dark) bitters (I used fig & cinnamon)
Add all ingredients except bitters to a cocktail shaker. Shake without ice for at least 20 seconds.
Add ice and shake again for an additional 20-30 seconds. Strain into a chilled coupe.
Dot 5 dashes of bitters in a row on top of the cocktail. Using the sharp end of a cocktail pick, drag the pick through the bitters in a single line, creating heart shapes.