Guys! Patio season is finally upon us. I also caught a glimpse that my condo is prepping the pool. Fingers firmly crossed that it will be open for this scorcher of a weekend.
Aside from the universal feeling of stir craziness, I’m particularly elated about the prospect of the pool because it was under construction for the entirety of last summer.
Since I moved in here in September 2018, this will be my first opportunity to make use of the pool. Might even apply some self-tanner for the occasion.
I will say, unless you have been dedicated to a daily yoga practice for years, achieving the perfectly even circular motions required to achieve a flawless finish on the self-tanner in the middle of your back is pretty damn tough.
In the past, I’ve been shameless enough to strip down in front of my girlfriends and ask them to butter up my back so I could get that splotch-free faux tan. Since that sort of thing seems like it will be off the table for the foreseeable future, I’ll just have to do my best, and failing that, not expose my back to other pool-goers.
The impossibility of applying self-tanner to your back without a second pair of hands reminded me of another seemingly simple life task made exponentially more difficult by virtue of being chronically single: doing up or undoing clothes.
In particular, dresses that constrict your arm movement or, worse yet, jumpsuits. I think they should just rename them, “suit of single sham.” I have one stunning white jumpsuit that has a partially open back but has about 20 tiny silk-covered buttons in the lace back. It is literally impossible to do up or undo these buttons on your own.
I wore it to a gala last year and had to ask my (female) coworker to unbutton my jumpsuit before I went home, otherwise I would have had to cut myself out of it.
Imagine trying to do a striptease if you started fully clothed in that jumpsuit? “Oh yeah, you like that baby?” As you flail around hopelessly, contorting your arms like a rabid chicken trying to grasp at the tiny silk buttons in the middle of your back.
It just screams sex appeal.
I’ll do my best to resist the urge to buy any more impossible to fasten jumpsuits or complicated swimsuits – can’t afford any weird natural tan lines on top of my zebra-striped tan-in-a-can back.
- 1 tbsp salt
- 1½ tsp chili powder
- 1 cup seedless watermelon roughly chopped
- ½ oz lime juice
- ½ oz simple syrup
- 1½ oz tequila blanco
Combine salt and chili powder on a small plate. Run a wedge of lime around the rim of a Collins glass. Dip the rim of the glass in the chili salt mixture, coating evenly.
Add the chopped watermelon to a cocktail shaker, muddle well. Add remaining ingredients and plenty of ice. Shake sharply and strain into the prepared glass filled with ice.