Let’s Get Blitzen: Cocktail Advent Calendar – Day 10 – Mistletoe Margarita. Nothing cures a case of the Mondays faster than tequila.
This is basically a juice cleanse, with tequila, to keep you fortified. Have you ever done a juice cleanse? I have.
I did a three-day juice cleanse in anticipation of a beach vacation a couple of years ago. I’m not sure I would recommend the experience. The cleanse consisted of three different juices for each meal of the day, interspersed with a number of vitamins, that you had to portion down to half or quarter sizes to avoid puking them up immediately on account of your stomach being lined only by vegetable juice.
I can’t even remember what the morning and evening juices comprised of, so, I guess they were relatively inoffensive. The lunch juice though…that was an entirely different story.
It was this God-awful concoction of celery (like an entire head of it), cucumber, kale and some weak attempt to mask the hideousness of that combination in the form of lemon juice and ginger. I want to gargle with bourbon to wash the taste out of my mouth just thinking about it.
In addition to being the worst on the flavour spectrum, the “lunch” juice was also the most generously portioned. I would be choking down that swill for four hours because it was like two litres worth of liquid. Ugh.
On top of the truly heinous flavour and mouth feel, it didn’t remotely satiate me. Listen, the stars have to be aligned just right for me to be charming, affable and pleasant in the first place, but when I’m hungry, FORGET IT.
I am some kind of demon succubus wolfishly eyeing other people’s food, snapping at slightest provocation and throwing shade with abandon. I believe, in some cultures, this is referred to as HANGER. Hi, my name is Yvonne, and I get hangry. There, I’ve said it. Moving on.
In terms of achieving the health and wellness goals that this 3-day juice cleanse was purported to deliver, I’m not sure if it hit the mark. I will tell you that I think my lower intestine must have been full of toxins before I started because there seemed to be A LOT of trips to the bathroom. Weight loss? Not so much.
Also, the crippling hanger, diminished energy in my workouts and overall feeling of emptiness, kind of distracted from any potential gains. So, with that, this Mistletoe Margarita is about as close to a juice cleanse as you’ll see me getting. It has spinach, fennel, and pear, oh my!
If you’re had more positive experiences, or similarly catastrophic, with juice cleanses, please share in the comments below.
To a blender, add 3 cups ice, 1½ cups tequila, ½ cup agave syrup, 2 cups limeade, 1 cup fresh spinach, ½ cup chopped Asian pear, ½ cup fennel juice (recipe follows), or substitute 2 tbsp fennel fronds, and 1 cup chilled water. Blend until slushy and pour into glasses. Garnish each with a fennel frond.
Add ½ fennel bulb, trimmed and chopped (about 2 cups), 1 cup water and ½ tsp salt to a blender; purée. Strain through a fine mesh sieve and chill for up to a day.
Recipe adapted from: Hunt, Michelle P.E. and Laura Panter. "Mistletoe Margarita." Food & Drink. Holiday 2017.