Bourbon Renewal Cocktail

The Bourbon Renewal is a modern classic created by famous bartender Jeffrey Mogenthaler back in 2004. Those of you who love sours will absolutely love this drink and it’s kind of like a second cousin to the El Diablo cocktail I shared previously.

This one of the earliest drinks I shook up on my Virtual Happy Hour series on Instagram. I shared this drink back on March 30th – when Tiger King was all the rage and dominating the social media universe with hilarious memes. In honour of that hit Netflix show, I hosted a Tiger King themed episode of Virtual Happy Hour when I made this tipple. I’ve embedded that episode here for your viewing pleasure.

If Joe Exotic can manage to find love, with not only one much younger and more handsome man, but an entire harem, I’m confident there’s hope for me yet.

I recently drafted a job posting for a position I’m hiring for in my day job and it got me thinking, “Dating would be much more efficient if it were more like hiring.”

You could outline the job description, requirements, years of experience, and desired assets. So, I’ve put together the following posting for my desired life partner.

Currently Seeking: Romantic Service Provider

Compensation: This is an unpaid placement with a generous benefits package.

The opportunity: This is an enormously rewarding opportunity for passionate individuals looking for their next challenge. If you are an energetic, self-starter with an appreciation for aesthetics and the finer things in life, let’s talk.

Your time will be divided between having deep talks, eating, drinking, napping, romancing, shopping, and taking in arts and culture. This role is well-suited to a bon vivant with an affection for craft cocktails who is not easily intimidated by a strong, independent woman.

Those who prefer to spend all their spare time outdoors, in the woods, or any location without running water, need not apply.

Responsibilities:

• Date Generation. You will be expected to identify and secure new date opportunities using the power of your own imagination and resources available to you on the internet and through word-of-mouth referrals.
• Emotional Support. You will occasionally handle inbound requests for care and compassion, enabled by active listening and resisting the urge to give advice.
• Responding to Texts. You will be responsible for drafting timely responses to requests for dates, fielding random thoughts, sharing memes, and laughing at jokes.
• Beard Maintenance. You will update and inform your teammate of any unseen beard growth and prevent any errant, wiry inch-long chin hairs from getting in the way of her (and your mutual) success and wellbeing.

Requirements:

• 10+ years experience in dating female-identifying individuals;
  • Prior experience/knowledge of a long-term relationship is considered an asset but not a requirement.
• Experience date planning and responding to texts;
  • Understanding of the restaurant and entertainment scene in Ottawa is considered an asset.
• Capacity to execute effective emotional support and champion both personal and professional goals in a team setting.
• Working knowledge of the clitoris.
• Clear evidence of being well-kept with a focus on oral hygiene and smelling good.
• Strong interpersonal, problem solving, and communication skills.
• Ability to work with minimal supervision and load the dishwasher correctly.
• Demonstrated ability to ask questions, be curious, and interested.

Desired Skills and Assets:

• Driven to succeed – you are a self-starter, with an ambitious mindset and commitment to chasing your dreams.
• Fashion-oriented – you are someone who possesses taste, understands how to dress their shape, does not own a square-toed shoe nor a solid purple polyester-blend dress shirt from Le Château.
• Collaborative – you can work closely with the team to win at board games and generally succeed in life.
• Persistent – doing whatever it takes to get (and keep) the girl, with integrity and without excuses.
• Independent – you work well without constant supervision and cherish your freedom to achieve business and personal objectives.

There will be a three-month probationary period after which your performance will be reviewed and the hiring manager will determine whether or not you get to meet the parents.

If this sounds like you, please apply within.

Bourbon Renewal Cocktail