God bless – booze is back on the blog. It has been a hot minute since we wrapped up the 2019 edition of the Let’s Get Blitzen: Cocktail Advent Calendar on December 24th and I am REJOICING to have my shaker back in hand because I need a drink.
I’m jumping in with both feet with this VERY spirited Superhero Sipper. Mixed with cognac, rum, sherry, Amaro Nonino and two kinds of bitters, this one is for professional drinkers only.
If you’re wondering why I’ve shaken up such a boozy concoction after a month of abstinence, it’s because alcohol isn’t the only thing I’ve been abstaining from. But the latter has not been by choice – I didn’t go to Catholic school and it’s a bit late to start saving myself for marriage.
It’s hard out here in Single Land kids. Friends will ask me what I’m looking for in a partner and I always say the same thing, “My equal.”
And yet, men wearing sunglasses in all their pictures, working their best blue steel, coming in at a towering at 5’3, holding up a fish and boasting the job title “entrepreneur” are opening the digital dialogue with a, “Who’s the blonde on your right?” Excuse me, sir, do you even have all your teeth?
At this rate I’M going to end up dating the blonde on my right – I can guarantee she has more working for her than you ever will sweetheart. Step aside.
Or better yet, maybe I’ve suffered through a truly painful first date with a man who arrived wearing square-toed shoes, can’t muster an original thought, doesn’t like potatoes, his divorce isn’t final and he’s “between projects” concludes the date by saying, “I’d like you to come back to my place but I need you to know that I’m not looking for anything serious.”
In this moment, I look left, I look right, is anyone else seeing this? CAN I GET A WITNESS?! There can only be a few possible explanations for this:
- My sense of self-worth is wildly overinflated and it’s time I was institutionalized for my narcissism. My ego is a Ponzi scheme of such epic proportions that it would make Bernie Madoff blush.
- I exist in an alternate universe.
- I’m in a nightmare.
- I have been sent to hell for slagging men on the Internet. This is hell.
- Male privilege and entitlement has gone so long unchecked that they consider all single women in their thirties as desperate maidens looking to avoid a life of spinsterhood who would be OVERJOYED to slurp down their bathwater.
All the single women I know are objectively INCREDIBLE. I’m not just saying this because they are my friends. They are gainfully employed, intelligent, ambitious, compassionate, kind, dynamic, interesting, beautiful, and emotionally available. They are deserving of love.
But our interactions with single men are so often comical or depressing that it’s become somewhat of a sport – trading war stories about our last bad date. One of the common themes that has emerged in our conversations is this idea that most men we come across seem to be under the misguided impression that if a woman is looking for a relationship that she has already booked a hall, ordered the tux, and named YOUR future children.
Just because we’re looking for a companion, a life partner, someone who’s face we’re excited to wake up to on a Sunday morning, doesn’t mean we’re ready to put a ring on the next swinging dick that walks in the room.
Dear single dudes: please check your reductive misconceptions and your entitlement at the door. Approach any date with the understanding that you will need to be charming, interesting, attentive, emotionally intelligent, and generally put your best foot forward on the first date and well beyond if you have any hope of winning us over. Also, throw out those square-toed shoes.
A relationship is a nice-to-have but not a must-have anymore. For many millennial women in Canada, marriage is no longer a necessary financial contract that we need to engage in. Also, most of you still couldn’t find the clitoris if you had Google maps enabled and now we have this.
So to my single ladies who are out here trying to find love, I’m raising a glass to you – bottoms up.
- 1 oz cognac
- ½ oz Appleton Estate rum
- ¾ oz Lustau Amontillado sherry
- ½ oz Amaro Nonino
- ¼ oz maple syrup
- 1 dash Bitter Truth aromatic bitters
- 1 dash Angostura bitters
Stir all the ingredients over ice, then strain into a coupe. No garnish.
Recipe slightly adapted from: Fauchauld, Nick et al. “Legend.” Death & Co.: Modern Classic Cocktails. Berkeley: Ten Speed Press, 2014.